Tuesday, October 21st On birds and the like People's dreams are as unique as the people themselves. My dreams are a wonder of the subconscious: I am constantly impressed by what my mind can do when I'm not interfering. My dreams tend to fall into three distinct genres: prophetic, flight, and nightmare. It is this third category which has been haunting me most recently. I hate to classify these dreams as nightmares. That word instantly brings to mind the frights of halloween. Ghosts, witches, dark corridors, zombies, death, destruction. While some of these elements remain the same in my "nightmares", they aren't what make these dreams so terrifying. These dreams are so horrible because of the choices they ask me to make. It is these dreams that stick with me for days and years on end: I still remember vividly a nightmare I had in grade school. But I'm being vague and sticking to generalizations. Maybe because these dreams are so complicated that I'm not sure I can do them justice, maybe because I don't want to go through the effort of reliving these dreams in an effort to relate them. But, in order to explain these dreams, I need to provide at least one example, and since I've been having a reoccurring one for the past several weeks, I'll start there. This dream started out simply, like a typical nightmare. I wasn't afraid the first night. In it I was wandering through a city after some sort of disaster. Maybe a nuclear holocaust, although I'm more inclined to believe it had to do with some sort of disaster involving genetic experimentation, because everyone else is dead, and the city isn't looking too good. Oh, yeah, and there is a giant T-Rex/Godzilla wandering about, trying to eat me, since I'm the last living thing on the planet. But, that's not that scary. The first few nights, all I had to do was outrun the monster and find a place to hide from it. Eventually I discovered that there was this half flight of stairs that ended in a little patio with a padlocked shut door. I had to run down there, use one of the patio chairs to break the padlock, run through the door, and hide in a tiny cupboard just big enough for one person. This was the only place where the T-Rex couldn't get you. That was fine. I figured it out, and could bee-line for it within a few days. Then it started getting bad. The next nights, I wasn't the only person running. A close friend, a family member, an acquaintance, even a stranger, was running with me. I was dragging them by the hand as we ran for our lives. They would trip, and I would help them to their feet. I would pull them down the steps to the patio, they would watch as I grabbed the chair and broke the padlock. The T-Rex would be closing in, and then I would have to make the decision: did I throw them in the cupboard where they would be safe, and face the T-Rex on my own, hoping I could outrun him and find somewhere else to hide or maybe find a way to subdue him, or did I hide in the cupboard myself and let them fend for themselves? Its an awful awful choice, and I hate making it every night. I wish I could just go back to flying dreams. Wouldn't it be nice to be a bird, and be able to fly? This weekend was fall break, which means I didn't have class yesterday or today. Mom came out Friday evening and stayed through 11 PM yesterday night. It was amazing. So much happened, that I'm going to have to write about it in more detail later. But, one incident does stand out. We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific, where you actually get to pet sharks and rays and such. Well, we had seen everything, but had a little bit of time to kill before they fed the sea lions and seals, which we really wanted to see, so we found some seats on the outdoor bleachers, and lay down and talked. A few minutes before we arrived, a lady had been feeding the pigeons little blue candies. When I lay down, I took off my shoes, revealing painted blue toenails. Pigeons are not the most intelligent animals, and I'm sure you can see where this is going. One pigeon snuck up on my toes and pecked at them. Even though they clearly were not edible, he was not discouraged. He began to attack them with a vengeance, chipping the paint, and making quite a fuss. Well, his pigeon pals, not wanting to miss out on this tasty morsel (my feet), began to descend, marching about. My pigeon wasn't going to have any of this. He puffed up his feathers and began to chase the other birds away. I had never had anything defend my feet with so much vigor. [karma: -1 (+/-)] Katie on 10.21 at 06:12 Monday, October 13th I am terminably me. I have decided that I am a hopeless case. A hopeless case of what, I'm not sure. Maybe just a hopeless case of me. Inalterable, destined to live stubbornly entrenched as the same person I've been my whole life. And that's okay with me. I'm starting to figure out some parts of this me, and I'm starting to sort of like what I'm discovering. You're always told "people change," but you're also always told that you shouldn't love someone yet plan to change them. You can't change them, you're always told...but I thought that people change? Well, I think I've figured out a way to reconcile those discrepancies. At least, its reconciled it all for me, and since these are my thoughts, I think that for me is all that matters. If you look in a pond, what do you see? Do you see the water? Do you see your reflection? Do you see the dirt or the ripples, the fish or the leaves floating on it, do you see the pebbles on the bottom or the seaweed growing? What do you notice first? People, are like ponds. Well, people are like a lot of things, but I happen to enjoy ponds, so for my sake, people will be like ponds. When you look at them, there's too much to take in at once, you just see one aspect. Over time, you'll begin to see others, but in this process, maybe you'll forget the first item you saw. It could take years and years of looking in this pond before you can truly appreciate all the subtle details of it. People are the same way. You are the same way. As a child, when you were just discovering yourself, before the words "me" and "I" meant anything to you, you probably only noticed a handful of things about you. (This you that we are discussing, its not the physical you, its not your body, its your soul, it is what defines you as human, your unique traits and characteristics, your qualities) Maybe you noticed that when you were hungry, you would cry, you would be upset. And maybe you noticed that when your mother was around you were happy, you loved her. And this was your reflection on the pond's surface. Over time, as you grew and discovered more about yourself, you learned to look past your reflection: you saw the fish swimming under the water. But to see them, you had to look through the surface, you lost your earliest reflections. And when you saw the pebbles on the bottom, perhaps you lost sight of the fish. It takes a remarkable depth of perception to know yourself. I wish I had it, but I don't, yet. I'm working on it. But, what I do know, is that each layer you see, that's just a different aspect of the same you. A different facet in the same prism. Its not a different you, and its not a you after you've changed. Its all the same you, there is no different you, there is no changed you. You are the same today as you were when you were born. You are the same today as you will be when you die. Isn't that nice? To think that the truths that you have learned will always be true. If one day you realize that you're courageous, you will always be courageous, no one can take that quality away from you. If another day, you're generous, you will always be generous. Despite later or earlier actions, these positive qualities, they will always be yours. You can catch them and jar them up, they belong to you. You won't wake up some day a coward, or a miser, and if these ideas tempt you, reject them. Say, "No! I am courageous! I am generous!" The journey of self-discovery is bound to be a long one, but at least you can rest assured that there will be no back-tracking. If you are always the same, then there are no dead ends, its just one straight path as far as the eye can see. As you travel down that road, I recommend you take a leisurely pace: you have your whole life to live, and the trip is about the journey, not the destination. You'll never get there if you race blindly towards the end. Bring snacks (because everything is better with food). And, I guarantee, the trip will be easier if you take someone with you. [karma: 0 (+/-)] Katie on 10.13 at 10:23 Thursday, October 2nd Peeling kiwis with a steak knife "borrowed" from Harvey Mudd Life has settled into a pretty spectacular routine. I get up at the same time each week, I go to the same classes, I do the same homework on the same day, I work the same times each day, I eat meals at the same time, and normally at the same place. Often, I eat the same thing for the same meals. In general, the only break from this repetitive routine is when I have papers or tests that I have to work on, but even that has become prosaic, as I use the same formula of research, outline, thesis, draft, edit for each paper, and have a similar method for test prep. Weekends, of course, tend to vary a bit more, but Sunday always brings church, and with it a familiar routine, and Saturday afternoon is always devoted to homework. It sounds depressing, and sometimes it is, but mostly its comfortable. There is something fiercely independent about being so adjusted to being on your own that you can develop a routine. I guess it shows that you don't need someone else to schedule your time, you can do it on your own, you can settle into the simple chores of everyday, you can control, plan your life without anyone looking over your shoulder. I love it. I love being independent. Today, I had a quick meal in my room; my schedule was crazy, and I worked straight. As I sat here, reading an article, carefully cutting the skin off the kiwi I snatched from Oldenborg a few days ago, and sipping some grapefruit juice, I was so happy. When I washed my dishes, I couldn't help but smile. It was so comfortable, I didn't have to schedule around anyone else, I didn't have to attempt to be entertaining, or try to get along with people. I just was, and it was great. On Saturday, I am going on a field trip for extra credit for my Archaeology class. I'm so excited: we're going hiking in the desert near Joshua Tree national park, then visiting a museum. I have to write a two page paper one it, which is no big deal. I'll do it on Sunday. I also have a research project for that class that I need to start...researching. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm comparing the occurrence of cultural items in the rooms in different halls in Oldenborg and relating that to the inhabitant's length of study of the hall's language, as well as to the number of inhabitants in the hall. I think I'll get some interesting results. I've had to deal with a little bit of people drama recently, which has been unfortunate, but I think I've got it figured out. Its taking me a little while to bounce back...the details are, not unpleasant, but not worthy of relating. Regardless, the effect is that I'm branching out a bit, and its great. I'm getting to spend more time with some people who I really should have gotten to know last year, because I think they just might be a much better fit for me. I will always be there for my friends, if they need me, but I don't want my friendships to be built on my having to always tip-toe around people on the verge of melt-downs or stress attacks. You know, I'm sorry that you have problems, but we all have problems, I have problems, my neighbor's have problems, my professors have problems. Its how you face them that really defines you as a person. I take care of my own problems. If they're really too much for me to handle, I'll talk through them with someone, but I'm not going to go sobbing and ruin their day because I had one little hiccough in mine. I need friends who are uplifting, who make me want to be a better person when I'm around them, and who make me feel valued for who I am, and who can help make a bad day better, just because they're around. I don't need friends who make me feel bad about myself, who treat me like dirt, like I just don't matter, and who bring me down, who stress me out, and can turn a good day sour within the first few sentences they speak. I'm a happy person, if not by nature, then at least I've learned to be one. I like being happy, and I don't need to waste my time or my effort on maintaining relationships with people who, as a general rule, make me unhappy. So, that's my personal epiphany. I'm almost ashamed to admit that its taken me this long to figure it out. PS: I promise I will return the steak knife before I graduate, or I will make a generous donation to the college. I figure $5 will more than cover the cost of one steak knife, right? [karma: 8 (+/-)] Katie on 10.02 at 09:51	main November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 email